Baru aja, lagi-lagi, mendapatkan sebuah kenyataan kalo salah satu pencapaian yang ingin gue capai di hidup ini sedikit mengalami penurunan, dan bahkan mungkin mendekati kegagalan. Gue benci banget denger kata itu, but it just did to me, dan yang gue lakuin saat ini adalah. Sedih, nyesel, benci sama diri sendiri, regrets all of the stupid things I did back in those time. I'm such a wasting my freaking time for any kind of those stupidity. I know I did, and nothing could ever change this whole things up, karena semuanya udah terlanjur. I know I'm being too over with this one, but you know that everyone has their own perspective of life, and they have their own way to handle themselves. And for me right now, when I really dissapointed with the person I've become, I just can't really sure to handle myself with this one, though. I tried, but it seemed meaningless. Tetep ngerasa guilty dan selalu nyalahin diri sendiri karena gak pernah bisa untuk melakukan sesuatu secara baik dan serius, not even for once in my life. 

I'm always got this on my mind, whenever I feel that life has bringing me a lot of dissapointment, that I just couldn't do more of any good things in this life. And just because of that, it can caused me with a lot of problems, I get cry, I get really upset, and turn my life into a mess. I know I'm being stupid to handle my own self... Sering banget dengerin berbagai umpan balik dari beberapa orang that i trusted, ketika mereka sudah mulai mengeluarkan berbagai kata-kata mutiara, yang seharusnya bisa jadi semangat buat diri sendiri. 

Usaha gak akan mengkhianati lo. 

This is just part of a life, and it would get better.

Everyone has their own phase of life, and you have to deal it. Lagian orang-orang juga punya pencapaian yang gak bisa mereka capai dengan sempurna. 

Mungkin mereka benar, dan mungkin memang gue yang sangat over-thinking of what happened with my life lately. Kegagalan yang menurut gue cukup berpengaruh luar biasa untuk pemikiran gue kedepannya. And yes, it such a big deal for me. Bagaimana gak kecewa ketika lo sadar lo seakan udah wasting time selama satu tahun karena menurut lo itu bukan jalan yang ingin lo tuju. And then you had another chance to fix it. And you did, you changing your way, and you were brave enough to thinking that everything would be pretty great when you got there. At first It was, but as what I said, terlalu banyak hal yang ternyata gak sesuai dengan ekspektasi dan target. And I am the person who will get a lot of troubles when I'm not getting my own goals. It seems pretty bad for a person like that, tapi semua orang punya pemikiran masing-masing, and mine was that one. 

Mungkin gak tau harus gimana lagi buat nenangin diri sendiri, growing more of my self-confidence, melihat segala waktu sebagai kesempatan yang baru untuk ngerubah semuanya. I don't really know for sure how to make that all up. It takes ten times as long to put yourself back together as it does to fall apart. I really love that line from my favorite book, Mockingjay. Yeah, you know that it's all the truth one. Ngejalanin apa yang harus dilakuin gak semudah apa yang diucapkan sebelumnya. It does really hard to puttin up yourself altogether into one piece when you just had this one of your worse nightmare. I really had some toughts sometimes, when I just givin up with it, with everything that I started, and for me maybe it would be okay. So then I wouldn't get hurt If I lose it again, then I wouldn't thinking what people might thinking about myself. Because at in the end, semua pasti punya waktu dimana ketika hidup kembali lagi mengenai menjalankan hal-hal yang bukan hanya untuk diri sendiri, tapi orang lain yang ada di sekitarnya. 

Tapi hidup, dan hidup memang benar harus terjadi yang hal yang semacam ini. It sucks, really much. And then for myself right fucking now, I just have to remind myself that I'm lucky enough to have some really wonderful friends who always be there for me. Part of myself that called growing up, and it does sucks. Dan dari keadaan-keadaan yang mungkin bikin kepala sedikit sakit karena terlalu banyak mikirin kecewa, kecewa, dan kecewa. I really learned that everything at in the end would turning up with yourself decision. Whether you want to make yourself burried in those sadness, or you want to wake up and try a little harder. 

But as for myself, I don't really think for some choices right now. My head's full of complement and there's so much things to do around my head that I really want to fix first. Gue punya 4 sahabat yang mungkin lebih seperti keluarga buat gue, yang ternyata gak pernah menghilang dari kehidupan gue sampai sekarang ini, And I'm really glad I have them in my life. One of them was saying like this to me. It doesn't define who you are as a person nor your academic level fully, menurut gue lo gak wasting time kok, dan kuliah itu proses sama aja kayak hidup, jadi gak ada yang namanya wasting time, adanya proses yang lambat atau cepet, it depends on how situation you got right now. And it really blown my mind up until right now. Surrounded by really caring people means a lot especially on this kinda situation. 

Oh iya, and the point is, ya, this is about curhatan anak kuliah yang sangat struggling about her own goals and the pressure behind it. Mungkin benar, sama aja kayak kehidupan yang semuanya adalah proses. But you know that sometimes you wouldn't do it like what you've said in your mouth, really. But as I know it's all just about another time, and for what I've known about time, it would heal yourself as well as you want it though. So give it time, time. 

You know I won't ever let myself again for the rest of my life to not trying harder for what I want to do in this life, this just can't be the end of my life. Surely.

R